Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.