I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Shave a single shingle thin.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!