"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
I love you berry much.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
I think we're mint to be!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain