“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)