Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
You met all of my koala-fications
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!