What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.

What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!

Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd

What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Mirra.

Mirra who?

Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.

I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'

I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.

Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper

Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.

I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!

Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!

What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.

I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.

What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.

Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.

Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.

Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!

I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish

When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!

What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.

Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.

Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.

What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.

“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.