What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
The pint’s the limit.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,