I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
I think you’re dandelion.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.