Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
How about we get down to monkey business?
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.