How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."