Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.

What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.

I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.

"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.

What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!

What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.

What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."

Is it hot in here - or is it just you?

What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.

I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.

Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!

What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.

I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.

What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.

The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".

A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!

I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves

I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.

Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.

Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.

“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”

I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.

Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.

What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.