What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
You sweep me off my feet!
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"