What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Hold on for deer life.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
How was heaven when you left it?
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.