Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
I love you a tot!
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.