Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!