Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
He threw three free throws.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato