What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!

A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.

Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.

If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.

Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.

"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley

Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.

Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them

What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.

Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.

Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.

How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!

“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins

My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"

What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.

Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.

I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"

What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.

I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.

Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.

I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.

What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.

2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."

What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.

Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.