"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
How hot does your gas oven get?
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.