Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Can’t pinch this.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Herb your enthusiasm.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
You look like my future ex wife.
I want you. I knead you.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.