I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Baby, you rock my world!
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Reti or not, here I come!"
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.