Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.