All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you

Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."

“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.

What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.

The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package

The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.

Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die

Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?

I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!

Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.

What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.

Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.

Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.

Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?

My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”

- Marty Pollio.

Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.

Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.

You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein

I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.

What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly

A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"

The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.

"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown

Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.

Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.

What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.