When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Do you believe in love at first flight?