What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.