It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
"Adulting makes me wine."
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
You leave me Wonton more.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.