What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Your lab or my lab?
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."