Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
"You bake me crazy."
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings