Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.