I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
"Sip happens."
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.