“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
My love for you is like no otter.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.