Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.