What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
I dreamt about you. You died.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
French, French Revolution
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler