What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"Humor is reason gone mad."
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Metaphors be with you.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.