Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
You're a good egg.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
If you were here, Abby all over you
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Octopus ocular optics.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.