Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
I call the shots.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.