Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
You're such a TEAse.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.