Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
I scored when I met you.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.