Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.