What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Life is better when we stick together.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?