What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.