Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...