Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."