I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens