Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?