What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Give me your number so I can make the call.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Whatever floats your goat.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
I'd drink your bathwater.
Love me till ice cream.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.