Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Who’s your paddy?
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself