If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
I have a heart-on for you.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?