“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!