Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.