"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
You’ve been working too yard.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Are you a red light because stop.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.